I wish I could go back and start over more than anything. Despite only leaving my house once a week I somehow still have some friends that invite me out for board games and stuff. But I can see the writing on the wall, I'm getting older, not quite hopeless yet but approaching hopeless. My 30s loom over me like a darkling plain, past approaching and unforgiving.
I have so much trouble just talking to people, even people I like, even people I've known for years. I have anxiety for days sometimes even a week leading up to hanging out with someone. I always have lists of things I want to do to try to improve but barely accomplish even a 10th of the things on them. In one part because of my aweful habit to procrastinate on everything even sleep, when sleep really should be my best friend.
Yet, in the other part I have crippling anxiety being around people almost universally. Only my mother manages to make me feel truly at ease and she'll be dead in a few decades and then it will just be me.
Why did it have to be like this? What can I even do? I've been depressed over not even getting to go to high school for the past half decade of my life once I realized far too late how important and formative the experience would have been. Instead I dropped out at the age of 17, and it took more years yet to realize how much of a fuck up that was.
I never got bullied by other children as an adolescent really, the problem was always the adults. Peg the weird kid as an autist and segregate him. That's all they ever did, segregated classes, segregated bus, segregated school programs, whole segregated schools and eventually solitary confinement for refusing to do schoolwork. I was never violent, just depressed and unwilling to move, what an offense to the people who were supposed to be there for me the most during some of the most important years of my life.
And now hear I am. Still terrified to go outside because it was conditioned into me to be terrified. I've since been diagnosed with PTSD from all this. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to relate and maintain the energy others do. I try but where others seem to get energized by social interaction it just exhausts me for days and weeks and throws me into spirals where all I can do is laze around and play old video games. Yet I need the interaction, and I need the motivation they have to get better while there's still time… thanks for reading my blog if you did ubPost too long. Click here to view the full text.