>>733I identify a lot with your feelings and language, and I also recognize in it the kind of futility in being in a miserable state, and wanting it to get better but lacking the means to navigate out of it, or even the idea of what navigating out of it looks like, so you are left in a desert of your own thoughts and feelings, which find you as the target for their negativity.
I don't know how to get you to where you in particular need to be in life, I'm still trying to reach that for myself, but what you need, in the end, is the same as what I need, which is God. What you long for - connection, love, and deeper meaning - is longing for God, and their origin and ultimate end, where you will find them, is in the person of God the Son, who is Jesus Christ. He is waiting for you in your own heart, and he is waiting for you in the Eucharist. Visit him in your own heart and visit him physically at a Eucharistic Adoration. The site masstimes is good for finding one nearby.
He loves you with his whole person, and yearns for your heart to find that Rest more than even your own heart does. Whatever you need, ask Him. He is the source of all graces - he knows what you need and wants you to find rest, and if you seek Him, walk with Him, you will find everything you else you need along the way.