/hikki/ - NEET / Advice

That's probably a bit of an unusual topic. Does anyone here also struggle with late sexual initiation in their lives?

I've been lonely for the most part of my life, up until early 30s due to a multitude of reasons.

For more context: i am a late-transitioning trans woman (i do actually pass and that's by standards of a pretty conservative central european country)

At school i struggled with impeded social skills and i was a moderately unattractive person at that time (in my opinion) - by either masculine or feminine standards of beauty.

I had a very little internal sense of gender back then and felt pretty much like a genderless entity, although my environment treated me like a dude, obviously.

Due to my general emasculation i was often badly mistreated and abused by male peers. It was a small, provincial school, full of people with very conservative and narrow mindsets. Girls were pretty traditional there and weren't interested in me, plus it was generally expected that i should initiate things, as a "man", while i was never the type to do so.

Later in life i have become extremely secluded and never completed any education beyond HS. This of course left a huge negative impact on my social life and skills.

With the life context out of the way - fast forward to 2023.

I managed to slowly improve my life, been making friends, my communication and social skills have become pretty average and normal, I'm not ridden by much anxiety.

But everytime my friends or even someone close to me tells their stories of their love life as teens and 20s I get very triggered and depressed because it makes me feel like an alien. It makes me feel like i missed a lot of normal teenage experience, and that time cannot be regained. It simply makes me feel worse.

At some point i used to think i was fine without it, being alone. But transition has changed my mind 180°. It has occurred to me that i didn't want relationships back then that much because i didn't like the prospect of playing the role of a man in them.

But in retrospect, why am i so bitter about it? Does anyone relate? What do you think?

Ps. I've been obsessively searching for related topics on the internet and checking statistics. I am now interested in any scientific research about late sexual initiation and its negative mental effects. So far I've been mostly finding stuff about early initiation which is the opposite of what i want. I'd be grateful for any interesting links.

Peace